1. “I Was Surprised/Confused/Curious About…”
What the Person Hears: “You’re Wrong.”
I worked with a woman who often tried disguise
her criticism in this way. Rather than just being
upfront that she didn’t quite follow my line of
thinking, she’d attempt to come across as truly
surprised by what I’d said.
While she might’ve done this in an attempt to
soften the blow, I never heard it like that.
Instead, I took it as a stab in the back because
my boss was in attendance—and that feeling led
me to promptly ignore her feedback. Which was
unfortunate, because I’m pretty sure she often
had a point.
What To Say Instead
“I thought X was different, because Y. Can you
walk me through your steps?”
2. “Oh, I Thought You Understood…”
What the Person Hears: “You Did it Wrong
Because You’re Stupid.”
I’ve run into this a few times when working
with larger, cross-functional teams. Inevitably,
there would be a few different translations of a
project’s goals. And if everyone wasn’t
communicating well, wires would get crossed
and the project would get off track. When the
time came to present our results—which were
inevitably wrong—someone would exclaim, “Oh
no, I thought you understood the objective!”
Obviously no one’s happy in this situation, so
saying this just adds fuel to the fire and
prevents people from gaining any insight from
the work that was done—even if it wasn’t quite
right.
What To Say Instead
“You took this in a different direction than I
initially intended, but let’s talk about what you
found, see if it can make this work, and if not,
what the next steps will be.”
3. “Actually….”
What The Person Hears: “I Think You’re An
Idiot.”
While technically this word shouldn’t be
offensive, I’ve found that just about anytime
someone uses it, they’re just hedging their
comments. A colleague once told me she was
“actually impressed,” with an article I’d recently
written. Even if that was really the case, I didn’t
take it as a compliment, but rather as an insult.
(Translation: “I didn’t think you could do that,
so I was surprised when I was impressed with
your article.”) Such a small word, such a big
impact!
What To Say Instead
In this case, you can actually just remove the
actually from whatever you’re about to say.
Being—or appearing—passive aggressive can
really sneak up on you. When we try to
minimize criticism, things can easily go awry.
Rather than couching your constructive criticism
in confusing language, just come out and say it
—politely. Your colleagues will appreciate your
candor, and you’ll avoid being labeled as the
worst person to meet with in the office.
What the Person Hears: “You’re Wrong.”
I worked with a woman who often tried disguise
her criticism in this way. Rather than just being
upfront that she didn’t quite follow my line of
thinking, she’d attempt to come across as truly
surprised by what I’d said.
While she might’ve done this in an attempt to
soften the blow, I never heard it like that.
Instead, I took it as a stab in the back because
my boss was in attendance—and that feeling led
me to promptly ignore her feedback. Which was
unfortunate, because I’m pretty sure she often
had a point.
What To Say Instead
“I thought X was different, because Y. Can you
walk me through your steps?”
2. “Oh, I Thought You Understood…”
What the Person Hears: “You Did it Wrong
Because You’re Stupid.”
I’ve run into this a few times when working
with larger, cross-functional teams. Inevitably,
there would be a few different translations of a
project’s goals. And if everyone wasn’t
communicating well, wires would get crossed
and the project would get off track. When the
time came to present our results—which were
inevitably wrong—someone would exclaim, “Oh
no, I thought you understood the objective!”
Obviously no one’s happy in this situation, so
saying this just adds fuel to the fire and
prevents people from gaining any insight from
the work that was done—even if it wasn’t quite
right.
What To Say Instead
“You took this in a different direction than I
initially intended, but let’s talk about what you
found, see if it can make this work, and if not,
what the next steps will be.”
3. “Actually….”
What The Person Hears: “I Think You’re An
Idiot.”
While technically this word shouldn’t be
offensive, I’ve found that just about anytime
someone uses it, they’re just hedging their
comments. A colleague once told me she was
“actually impressed,” with an article I’d recently
written. Even if that was really the case, I didn’t
take it as a compliment, but rather as an insult.
(Translation: “I didn’t think you could do that,
so I was surprised when I was impressed with
your article.”) Such a small word, such a big
impact!
What To Say Instead
In this case, you can actually just remove the
actually from whatever you’re about to say.
Being—or appearing—passive aggressive can
really sneak up on you. When we try to
minimize criticism, things can easily go awry.
Rather than couching your constructive criticism
in confusing language, just come out and say it
—politely. Your colleagues will appreciate your
candor, and you’ll avoid being labeled as the
worst person to meet with in the office.
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